Willful

“(wil’fel) 1. said or done deliberately or intentionally. 2. following one’s own will unreasoningly; obstinate; stubborn.” Webster’s New World Dictionary

I scooped you up all your extra arms
and legs stuffed in garbage bags
until they were plump
and full
like your scarred belly
your soft thighs before the cancer
peeled and cored you like an apple

I hoard your soft new body in the basement
none of us pretends is appropriate
anymore for recreation
the furniture relegated there after the first flush
now the cartoon sprawl of Saturday mornings the hot butter
of Friday movie nights seam me
like varicose veins
but you slouch in your corner like a left hook
like the mouth of a well whose depth the drop
oh the drop makes me scurry
up the stairs

Today drunk with the spirit
of moving on I broach a box boast
to the daughter getting milk
from the downstairs fridge
that I must have emptied your desk drawer
by drawer dumping it all in
because what I’ve got left
is what I was left
and I stare at it all

At the flare of disdain on her face
at the bags and boxes
then wrap the tattered security
of grief around my shoulders
as if it was the scrap wool afghan
you were found in
and turn away
but there is still abandon
there are still bags and bags of your things
I could kneel over you take deep
delirious breaths and fill my flagging self
with the last strains
the sweet funk
of you