How to Celebrate Mother’s Day

“Warning #2. Don't bring up past issues. She may have been into drugs when you were a kid, and forgot you at school a lot, but don't talk about that today. Try to focus on the better times, when she supported one of your decisions, or when she did something silly and made everyone laugh.” – How to Celebrate Mother’s Day, wikiHow.

1.
Leave the house RIGHT now.

2.
In the name of home economics, efficiency, and Rorschach-like splatter, set off a small bomb in the kitchen at 8 am.

3.
Spray paint a loving tribute on a nearby bridge the night before. Go for a drive after dinner and see that the liquor made you write “I wuv you Momo.”

You’ll find that a brutal you-ee will stifle her contemptuous snorts.

4.
You’ve heard of vodka-infused watermelons? Get out the turkey baster and get…creative.

5.
Seriously. Don’t come home until DARK.

6.
You've been giving your father Seven Eleven-grade plasticized porn and your mother bulk-bin peanut brittle for every major holiday since you were four...why stop now?

7.
Enlist your twitter minions to call your mother every minute the ENTIRE 24 hours of mother’s day.

8.
Black roses.


* * *

After a muggy driving-around kind of day, I composed this poem for the May Day Poetry Project, which is in its seventh incarnation this year. (!)

I (mostly) apologize for the slightly morbid, porn-y aspects of the poem.