1)
You’ve heard of cooking the
books?
An apple pie in the oven is a
realtor’s trick, murmuring softly of mothers rolling out dough. But bake a
phonebook for twenty minutes and you’re the man, reeking of ink and commerce and
industry.
The paper might be brittle
but the applause won’t be…
2)
Postcards
Pamphlets
Term papers
Parliamentary reports
Thinly-plotted paperbacks
Phonebooks
3)
Make three hundred paper
airplanes. You will be so practiced at your craft that you could put out the
eye of the creep in third period math who picks on you. If you wanted to.
4)
One heaping scoop of protein
powder after another.
A personal gym paid off in
installments.
A tendency towards spandex.
And flexing.
5)
There is no such thing as ‘a
phonebook.’ You live in a particular place.
Feats of strength favour
those living in supervillages, in RMs and along RRs. Attempting the NYC
phonebook is like filling in the NYT crossword in pen. Not for the faint of
heart. (Literally.) Empty out your local phonebook by converting everyone to
cell phones:
You might as well have a
landmine in your yard as a landline in your living room!
(Cell phones are to thinking
people as pacemakers are people riddled with heart disease! Saviours!)
6)
Eat a five-pound hamburger
because you’re, like, really hungry. Enter a twenty-four hour dance marathon
even if you have to resort to jazz hands. Shave every square inch of your
body…just to see what it feels like.
Now: STRAIN.
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